the Haunted House of the Five Questions, if you dare!
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Pez-"Because I am not blessed with a character head such as
Snoopy, Kermit, or Yoda, or any head for that matter, I am doomed
to roam the countryside and haunt innocent passersby for all eternity
with a pumpkin in my hand." -
Cat Pez- "I know it's considered bad luck to let a black cat
cross your path, but trust me, I am an exception to that rule.
And if you should ever cross my path, it would be the purrfect
opportunity for you to add me to your collection." -
Pez- "I mean, bats have a somewhat nasty reputation, what
with the biting and the screeching and the turning into vampires.
But now that I am a Pez dispenser, I finally have the chance to
set things right..."
unlike Edward Cullen, I don't sparkle or brood all that well,
and truth be told, I'm more of a Team Jacob dude anyway. But I
do glow in the dark, so I got that going for me, which is nice.
better sleep with the lights on, lest you face the horror of...
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I'm not a
man who scares that easy,
Blood and guts don't make me queasy.
Witches' spells don't mean a thing,
Nor do bats with flapping wings.
Wolfmen howling in the night
Fail to bring a sense of fright.
Zombies, phantoms, specters, ghosts
Do nothing but amuse at most.
Count Dracula and Frankenstein
Are not among the fears of mine.
But no more
Pez? Now that's a dread!
Such eerie thoughts invade my head!
There's no more grape, and no strawberry;
There's no more orange… now this is scary!
Not one dispenser to be found
At stores, garage sales, all around.
No flea markets, no conventions,
No more eBay- dare I mention?
No more Pez to collect and share;
I cannot lie, I'm deathly scared!
So if you
want to make me cower,
It won't be in the midnight hour.
You will not need a skull and bones,
No thunderstorms or distant moans,
No haunted houses, no vampires,
No devils shooting balls of fire,
No jack-o-lantern's evil grin,
Not even leeches on my skin.
All you'll need is a world that says,
"I'm sorry, son, there's no more Pez."
I had a dream
the other night,
One that filled me with such fright,
The air was thin, I almost gagged-
Trapped inside of a Pez bag!
This plastic prison wasn't dandy,
For though there were two packs of candy,
I had no arms with which to grab,
No fingers to remove the wrap.
I was just a head and stem, and
Surrounded by the scent of lemon;
Instead of skin and bones and things,
I was of plastic, paint, and springs.
The smile that was drawn on me
Belied my deep anxiety-
I tried to scream, but soon did find
I only heard this in my mind!
passed me by,
And on occasion two big eyes
Would peer into my plastic cell,
With gazes I knew all too well.
They'd wonder if it would be smart
To add me to their shopping cart,
Or if they'd rather come on back
When I am on the discount rack.
Inside my mind, I begged and pleaded
To be purchased, to be needed,
But on my face, that stupid grin
Told nothing of the pain within.
And then that moment did arrive,
A hand extended, so alive,
But not towards me, I realized,
And then my fear did multiply.
I thought, had come to pass,
But I was very wrong, alas,
For at that point, my eyes did see
A Pez, identical to me!
The face, the stem, the plastic bag,
The same amount on the price tag;
In ev'ry sense, it was my clone,
And yet I felt so cold, alone.
For though in him I was reflected,
Instead of me, he was selected.
What injustice, o what offense!
This out-of-Pez experience!
This gave me pause to contemplate:
I would not know the crueler fate,
To be entombed day after day,
Or see myself going away.
I woke up
from this chilling dream,
Hoping things weren't as they seemed.
But just in case it was that drastic,
I freed my Pez from all that plastic.
And though I couldn't see or hear
Any trace of shock or fear,
This rescuing was not in vain,
For I had felt their lonely pain.
But when I lined them on the shelf,
Another chill coursed through myself;
I quickly grabbed the duplicates
And sold them on the Internet.
Away they'd go, to someplace warm,
Not knowing of their second forms,
And never having cause to bear
The horror of my Pez nightmare.