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Five Questions for Darth Vader Pez

Pezhead Monthly: Darth Pez, when people think of Pez candy and dispensers, they usually think of youth, innocence, and fun. And yet you have a nasty reputation as quite a ruthless and evil villain. How do you compromise your dark nature with the light and wonder that is Pez Candy?

Darth Pez: I won't lie to you, it's a daily struggle. Whether I'm telekinetically choking an insubordinate officer or urging my children to join the Dark Side, I always have to weigh that with the responsibility of being a Pez dispenser. Plus, you know, it's hard being the Dark Lord of the Empire when you're four inches tall and able to dispense fruity candy to kids of all ages.

PM: You mention your children. How are Luke and Leia doing these days?

DP: Oh, those little rascals. They're fine. I have to admit it's a little disappointing that they won't embrace the evil I know they're so

Darth, Luke, and Leia Pez
Darth Vader Pez and his children, Luke Pez and Leia Pez, pose for a rare family photo.
capable of. I guess that's what happens when you're not involved with your children from an early age.

PM: Along those lines of feeling guilty, do you harbor any regrets about turning your former mentor, Obi Wan Kenobi, into Jedi dust a few years back?

Darth Pez at work
Darth Pez is held in high regard by his employees, partially because of his charismatic leadership style
and partially because of his tendency to kill those
who question his authority.

DP: In my defense, I think you've only heard one side of that story. True, he did train me in the ways of the Force, and true, I pretty much betrayed him in every possible way, but in his old age he got ornery and unpleasant to spend time with. One time he secretly taped a sign on my cape saying "Chrome Dome." It took weeks to get my personal Stormtrooper assistants to stop laughing at that. Granted, I had them all killed, but the pain that old man caused me never went away. (Pauses) … Besides, I don't see Obi Wan Kenobi immortalized on a Pez dispenser, do you?

PM: Point taken. Do you ever feel like you're giving up your power when you let somebody load you with candy and then pass it out for themselves or others to eat?

DP: (Hhhh-perrrrr) I am always in control of my destiny, for they are weak-minded in their innocence and their need for a sugar fix. It was I who called to them when they were in the candy aisle or the checkout line. It was I who used my Jedi powers to tell them, "Give in to your urge for Pez, it is useless to resist. Join me and we will rule the world together, as dispenser and collector."

PM: You've put together an enormous army of trained soldiers, you've struck fear in people around the universe, and you are one of the coolest Pez dispensers ever. What lies ahead for you?

DP: I'm going to Disneyworld!

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