Five Questions for the Faceless Santa Pez Dispenser top of page | cover page

FSP: I'd like to take this opportunity to set the record straight. The term "factory error," while likely coined by someone with no ill intent, implies that there is something wrong with who I am, that I am simply the result of an accident and should be treated with disregard. This is so incredibly demeaning. I am a Pez like any other Pez, with the same hopes and dreams and spring mechanisms and patent numbers. My physical appearance may be rather unique, but please look beyond my faceless visage to see who I really am.

PM: Thanks for sharing that, Faceless Santa Pez. How did it feel when you finally realized that you might never be freed from your plastic bag because of your condition?

FSP: At first it was quite frustrating seeing everyone being rescued from their bags while I remained in mine. Rudolph Pez and Snowman Pez, they're living it up out there, while I am still inside, like a child who is grounded- except that I have done nothing wrong! I'm not on the naughty list, I've even checked it twice!

PM: I can only image the trauma you were faced with… no pun intended. Are you doing any better these days?

FSP: I certainly am. In fact, I have come to view this bag as a part of me. It serves as proof of my unique place in the Pez universe. I would not be me without it. I mean, if I should ever be taken out of this bag, who is to say that I didn't originally have a face, until some charlatan simply took it off after I was out of the package? My worth would forever be in doubt. I wouldn't wish that fate on anyone.

PM: It is indeed comforting to hear that your attitude towards your plastic home has improved. I do have one last question, Faceless Santa Pez, and it is one that has been nagging me for a while: if you have no face, and therefore no mouth, how are you even able to speak?

FSP: It's funny you ask, because all this time I have been wondering how you are able to hear me! Sometimes the answers to our questions are right beneath our noses, even when we don't have noses. Merry Christmas to one and all!

Fast Facts about Faceless Santa Pez:

Favorite Song: "Eyes Without a Face"- Billy Idol
Favorite Movie: "Face/Off"
Favorite Member of The A-Team: Templeton "Face" Peck
Turn-Ons: Being a Pez dispenser, of course
Turn-Offs: Making children cry due to lack of face
Opinion of Plastic Bags: Confining yet cozy

Pez Poetry top of page | cover page

Pez Haiku #32

O little candy,
How do you manage to bring
Such big joy to me?

A Most Disturbing Crunch

Epilogue
One night I was expecting guests,
And tried to make it look its best
But the event that happened next
Struck grief and sadness in my chest

Setup
It started out like any other night,
Except the Pez display did not look right,
Three dispensers lay flat on the shelf:
The Snowman, Reindeer, and the Christmas Elf.
So gently did I open up the door,
My hand was careful not to knock down more,
But all precautions couldn't dare deceive
The massive looseness of my sweater sleeve

Knockdown
Two whole rows of Pez came crashing down
Valentines and Peanuts, and the Clowns,
Smiley Faces, Ninja Turtles, too,
It was a sight that made this Pezhead blue.
Upon the floor I lined that fallen bunch,
But then I heard a most disturbing crunch:
Beneath my denim-covered knee, alas!
The Boy Pez lay, his plastic frame was smashed.

Prologue
Yes, he may have gone away,
And I think of him ev'ryday,
But I'll look for him on eBay
And one day he'll return to stay.

Pez Almost-Quote of the Month top of page | cover page

"A census taker once offered some Pez to me. I ate his Pez with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."