Thirteen Questions for the Funky Faces Pez Dispensers top of page | cover page

Worried Pez: This is horrible, just horrible. Do you think it's just a coincidence that there are thirteen of us, and thirteen is the unluckiest number of them all? What are they planning to do to us? Why didn't they release six or seven of us first, and then the rest later, instead of all thirteen at once? What are we in for? Oh my god, I think I'm hyperventilating here… is there a paper bag anywhere?

PM: Well, I somehow suspect things aren't quite that bad, Worried Pez. Let's move on to you, Batting Eyelashes Pez. Is there a certain camaraderie among the new Funky Faces dispensers?

Batting Eyelashes Pez: Thanks for asking, cutie, but how would little ol' me be qualified to answer that question? I'm too busy looking gorgeous to be troubled with such ideas as camaraderie.

PM: I see your point, Batting Eyelashes Pez. Turning to you, Nerd Pez, are you somehow dismayed that you have been cursed with such a demeaning name?

Nerd Pez: I don't feel cursed at all. In fact, I feel honored to be given the name. I am, after all, a nerd. Just look at these big eyeglasses! They are so much a part of me that they are actually painted on me. I'm hardcore, man! I can calculate the radius of a circle while you're still busy trying to tie your shoes. Nerds rule!

PM: I applaud your enthusiasm, Nerd Pez. I suppose it's all a matter of perspective. Moving on to you, Angry Pez, what's eating at you these days?

Angry Pez: Lots of things are eating at me. I am angry that my main role in life is to dispense fruity goodness to kids of all ages- I mean come on, give me a break! I am also angry that I can't get any peace and quiet standing on this shelf with all these other Pez dispensers. But mostly, I am angry because I am always so angry. That really ticks me off.

PM: It sounds like you have a lot of aggression to work through, Angry Pez, and I wish you the best of luck with it. As for you, Big Grin Pez, why the big grin?

Big Grin Pez: I know something you don't know, I know something you don't know! Okay, okay, I'll give you a clue… wait, no I won't! You'll have to figure it out on your own! Ha ha! This is awesome!

PM: Big Grin Pez, oh how you taunt me. It looks like I have no choice but to move on. Sad Pez, what's going on with you these days?

Sad Pez: Everything is horrible. Yesterday, I fell over and was nearly broken. I think it was Mischievous Pez, because he really seems to have it out for me. Then, later that day, I got passed over by my collector- again- in favor of some other, more uplifting dispenser to put some Pez in. I got the blues really bad, that's for sure.

PM: I urge you to cheer up, Sad Pez, because things are never as bad as they seem. Now, Mischievous Pez, would you care to respond to this allegation that you tipped over Sad Pez?

Mischievous Pez: That is so unfair. Just because I have this sneaky little grin on my face, why should I be accused of such a crime? True, I have sometimes been less than perfect. There was that one time I pretended I was stuck when my collector tried to load me up with some Pez. You should have seen the look on his face, trying to get me to open! But would I ever try to cause harm to a fellow Pez dispenser, even if said Pez dispenser is just a big old crybaby? Come on man, that's just plain wrong.

PM: It's good to hear that even you, Mischievous Pez, have your standards. Now, Silly Pez, can you please get serious for a few moments and share with us what's it like to be part of the grand tradition of Pez?

Silly Pez: Certainly. It is an honor of highest standard to be amongst the cultural phenomenon… oh, who am I kidding! I can't be serious, buddy! Life is too short for that, and I've got a reputation to protect. Now, try this one on for size: A Pez, a Skittles, and a Life Saver walk into a bar…

PM: With all due respect, Silly Pez, I think we all know how that joke ends. And may I remind you that this is a family publication. Moving on to you, Baby Pez, has it been hard to earn the respect of your fellow dispensers with such an infantile name?

Baby Pez: No, even though I am but a wee one I do have the respect of my elders. To paraphrase my hero Patrick Swayze from "Dirty Dancing", nobody puts Baby Pez in a corner.

PM: Well that is definitely good to hear. How about you, Cool Pez? Are there ever any problems living up to your namesake?

Cool Pez: No problems, daddy-o. Everything is gonna be alright, as long as we just take it easy. The sunglasses on my face are proof of that. I wear my sunglasses during the day, I wear my sunglasses at night, and I'm looking good 24/7 with no worries. If I had opposable thumbs, let alone hands to begin with, I'd definitely be snapping my fingers right now.

PM: Er… well, thanks for sharing, Cool Pez. Now, Wink Pez, I get the feeling you're hiding something, and that makes me nervous. Would you please come clean?

Wink Pez: Oh, I think you know why I'm winking. Do you remember Pezamania 12, and how neat it was that you found that Elvis Pez? Guess who made that all happen? You're looking at him, Sparky!

PM: At long last, the truth is known. I guess I owe you one, Wink Pez. Now, Kiss Pez, you are looking mighty friendly today. Are you one to kiss and tell?

Kiss Pez: Well, I'll have you know that I will be sharing all my secrets in my upcoming book, "Kiss Pez and the Pez Who Love Her." I have to warn you, I'm not going to hold back from naming names. To give you a little taste of what's in the book, I can say that Papa Smurf Pez is quite the dreamboat.

PM: Wow, Kiss Pez, that's much more detail than I wanted to hear. But good luck with the book. And thanks to all the fabulous Funky Faces for taking the time to say a few words. We wrap up with you, Smiley Pez, who have the distinct honor of being the first Pez dispenser to ever be interviewed by Pezhead Monthly twice. (Editor's note: The first instance was May 2002, back when Smiley Pez was affiliated exclusively with Wal-Mart) Are things still as sunny now as they were then?

Smiley Pez: You know what? Things just keep getting better, man. I'm back in the stores and on the shelves again, I've got twelve other great dispensers to hang out with, and life is just so incredibly groovy. The Pez dispenser continues to be half full, not half empty. And who knows what the future will hold? One thing's for sure, brother, it's gonna be funky if nothing else.