Five Questions for the Cow Pez Dispenser top of page | cover page

The Cow Pez dispenser is an oldie but a goodie.

Pezhead Monthly: Cow Pez, you are the first "vintage" dispenser to be interviewed by Pezhead Monthly. What does this signify to you? Cow Pez: First off, thank you for referring to me as "vintage," and not as "ancient." I can't tell you how many times I get that. The great Pyramids are ancient. The Roman Empire is ancient. I, however, am a living testament to happier, simpler times. And, it must be said, my presence here signifies that my generation of Pez dispensers will at long last have a voice. Do you hear me, 4.9s? The 3.4s are back in town, baby! PM: Truly, you possess an inspired spirit. And I must say, for being as… vintage as you are, you are in surprisingly good condition. To what secrets do you owe your good health and well-being?

CP: I harbor no secrets. I put them out to pasture years ago. (Pauses) Get it? I'm a cow, and I put them to pasture? Ah, nevermind. But, to answer your question, I owe a lot to my history with collectors. Even though I've only had two or three in my many years on this Earth, I have always been kept safe and well protected from the elements in drawers and closets.

PM: Is that so? I couldn't imagine leading such a sheltered life, not being allowed to fraternize with your fellow dispensers. True, your condition is exquisite, but at what price?

CP: I will be the first to agree with you on that point. One is the loneliest number that a Pez dispenser will ever do. And this is why I am proud to announce that my collector plans on putting me in his display soon. At least, that's what the buzz is around the dispenser campfire. And I'm looking forward to hanging out with the young folks, getting back into the swing of things. I bet I can teach them a thing or two anyway. PM: I bet you can. Cow Pez, what was life like back when you were considered the newest, freshest Pez dispenser?

What the Cow Pez lacks in feet he more than makes up for in class. Indeed, he is an udderly amazing testament to the style and tradition of Pez.

CP: Now you're on thin ice, buddy. Being a Pez dispenser, I have an eternal freshness about me. But back then, when I was first released, life was good. The music was better, the roads were less crowded, and there was an overall feeling of grooviness in the air. But you know what? It was also the loneliest time in my life. Say what you will about the "good old days," but I must admit that without the variety of Pez we have today things weren't as lively and interesting. I recall my early days with fondness, but I'm sure glad times have changed.

PM: Point well taken. Finally, Cow Pez, what are your comments on the current Pez climate? Are we beginning to see a Pez overload, or is this just a natural growth of the wonder of Pez?

CP: These kids nowadays, with their footed dispensers and their high patent numbers, they're all over the place. You know, for an old timer Pez such as myself, this can be quite intimidating. You've got sports promotions every month these days, you've got Pez Popcorn, Pez Christmas ornaments, and so on. The Pez cynic might conclude that this is getting to be too much, that Pez is saturating the marketplace. But not me. I think that anytime you turn around in a grocery or toy store and see a new Pez for your collection, you somehow grow younger.

Pez Poetry top of page | cover page

Pez Haiku #14

Take me out to the
Ballgame, provided there is
A Pez giveaway.

Finding Elvis

Ever since I started this,
It was my dream to find Elvis,
To have the King of Rock n' Roll
Atop a stem of painted gold.
I heard that he was just a fake,
A movie prop, for goodness sake,
But I still hoped he did exist,
And so my searching did persist.
My quest for this most righteous grail
Took me to some garage sales,
To flea markets and antique stores,
To all of these and many more.
But still I came up empty-handed,
Though I pleaded and demanded,
And yes, my travels were quite thrilling,
Though Elvis Pez had left the building.
But I refused to just surrender,
This search was true, I loved it tender.
And then I sat at full attention-
I'd find him at the Pez convention!
And so I left with mission clear:
To find the King, to bring him here.
But would I have good news to tell?
Or would it be Heartbreak Hotel?
I went from room to room and back,
Inspecting Pez on all the racks,
But I failed to come across
The Elvis Pez at any cost.
Daytime turned well into night
Without that hunk o' Pez in sight,
My hopes were dimming, there was dread:
Was Elvis Pez just in my head?
But just when I had given in,
I looked ahead and then did grin.
Atop a room there hung a sign:
"Custom Pez Here By Design"!
I scurried in and looked around
With careful sight and not a sound,
My eyes did see such rich creations,
Custom made in variations.
Alfred Neumann and South Park,
Mulder, Scully- very dark.
Austin Powers, Pee-Wee Herman,
But not an Elvis… I was squirmin'!
And so I calmly did enquire
As to the Pez which I desired.
Before I knew it I was told,
"I have a black stem and a gold."
Was it true? Was this my find?
I still had a suspicious mind.
He showed it to me, and in fact,
It was the King, alive, intact!
Without delay, I paid the man,
And just like that, within my hands,
Looking up at me so cool
Was Elvis Pez, sayin' "Don't be Cruel."
No longer was he just a thought,
A distant star forever sought,
Now he arrived in a big way,
The star piece of my Pez display.
The moral to this tale of mine
Can be summed up in just two lines:
You can do anything that your momma says,
But don't you step on my Elvis Pez.