Spring Loaded: A Message from the Editor top of page | cover page

Welcome once again to the pages of Pezhead Monthly!

Last month's Pez Poetry Slam was a rousing success, at least judging by the standards of Pez Poetry Slams. Thanks again to the several contributors who submitted their entries for the big event.

This month, Pezhead Monthly returns to its multi-feature format, including another in the recurring series of reimagining of famous people as Pez dispensers. This month, the spotlight turns to Neil Diamond, one of my favorite singer/songwriters. What would life be like for Neil Diamond Pez? This month's feature, the first of a two-part series, attempts to answer this important question. Also in this month's issue, the Pez Spaceman Lunchbox and Pez Spaceman Thermos team up for Five Questions, there is a special movie edition of Pez Poetry, and as always there is the Pez Almost-Quote.

Recent Pez acquistions, including some 3.9 Superheroes at an antique store and the new Pez truck dispensers, have made it a very enjoyable month on the Pez collecting front.

Thanks for reading, and see you next time!

Joe Durrant
Editor, Pezhead Monthly
joe@pezheadmonthly.com

If Neil Diamond Was A Pez Dispenser, Part One top of page | cover page

The indomitable Neil Diamond has been an overwhelming force in American music for over 40 years and has garnered many loyal fans, including yours truly. But what if he had been a Pez dispenser? Herewith, an alternate history of Neil, the real deal.

1941
Neil Leslie Diamond Pez is born in Brooklyn. His parents instantly see in him a star in the making and one of the grooviest Pez dispensers of all time.

1957
For his sixteenth birthday, Neil Diamond Pez is given a guitar. However, the guitar is about 10 times his size, as he is only 4 inches tall. But Neil Pez soldiers on, although playing the guitar proves to be rather challenging.

1958
For his seventeeth birthday, he gets a guitar custom made for him, one that is a bit smaller and easier to play. There is no looking back from here.

1966
Neil Diamond Pez hits it big with "Cherry Pez." Although the premise of the hit song (Cherry Pez being discontinued from the Pez flavor line in the United States) had not yet happened in 1966, not to mention the movie referenced in the song ("Stand By Me") or the idea of Pez conventions, Neil Diamond Pez, ever the visionary, sees it coming. Truly amazing.

Cherry Pez
(To the tune of "Cherry, Cherry")
Copyright 2005 JoePez Publications

There's a flavor,
Yes, yes there is
Oh, that's real outta sight, yeah.
Said a flavor
Yes, yes there is
And it's gotta be right, yeah

I got the Pez best flavor, Cherry
I got the Pez to savor
I got the Pez best flavor (Cherry baby)
I got the Pez to savor (All right)

Heard that cherry was in the U.S.
Now it's not and I am so depressed
Mmm, gotta go to another nation
Or a Pez convention location

All right

Stand By Me
Oh yes, yes indeed,
And I ain't gonna doubt it.
One food for
The rest of my life?
Aw, ain't no question about it.

I got the Pez best flavor, Cherry
I got the Pez to savor (Cherry baby)
I got the Pez best flavor (All right)
I got the Pez to savor

Mmm, there's no other way I can put it.
Yeah, that grape just ain't gonna cut it
Ohhh, I'm stripped of all my defenses,
Cherry Pez, get in my dispenser.

I got the Pez best flavor, Cherry
I got the Pez to savor (Cherry baby)
I got the Pez best flavor (All right)
I got the Pez to savor (Cherry baby)
I got the Pez best flavor
I got the Pez to savor

1967
Neil Diamond Pez strikes again with the hit "Kentucky Flea Mart."

Kentucky Flea Mart
(To the tune of "Kentucky Woman")
Copyright 2005 JoePez Publications

Kentucky flea mart
I noticed your ad in the local rag
Hopped in the car and took off,
And didn't think of lookin' back.
And I'm hoping
God knows I'm hoping,

Kentucky flea mart,
If you got some Pez there
Oh, I'll make an offer,
Kentucky flea mart.

Well I ain't the kind
To expect that much out of life these days
But driving towards you
Makes me think there's a chance I'll be amazed
And I'm hoping,
God knows I'm hoping,

Kentucky flea mart,
If you got some Pez there
Oh, I'll make an offer,
Kentucky flea mart.

I know this much,
It's been so long since that last score
I'm in a clutch,
And all I ask is for one
More Pez deal
Please help out,
I'm talkin' about

Kentucky flea mart,
If you got some Pez there
Oh, I'll make an offer,
Kentucky flea mart.

I know this much,
It's been so long since that last score
I'm in a clutch,
And all I ask is for one
More Pez deal
Please help out,
I'm talkin' about

Kentucky flea mart,
If you got some Pez there
Oh, I'll make an offer,
Kentucky flea mart.
Kentucky flea mart.
Kentucky flea mart.

1972
The Schubert Organization presents Neil Diamond Pez in concert for a record-setting 20 performances of a one-dispenser show at the Winter Garden Theater, making him the first rock-era Pez dispenser to headline on Broadway.

Also in 1972, and continuing with his uncanny ability to predict the future, Neil Diamond Pez releases the hit song "Three Point Nine" four whole years before U.S. patent number 3.9 is featured on Pez dispensers, and decades before 3.9 dispensers would be considered "vintage." Several historians have since noted that if Neil Diamond Pez had not been a singer, he could have made a great psychic.

Three Point Nine
(To the tune of "Song Sung Blue")
Copyright 2005 JoePez Publications

Three Point Nine,
That's the patent number
Three Point Nine
Fills my heart with wonder

A work of art at the flea mart just waitin' to be found
And when you come across it, you just can't help
But make a joyful sound,
Such a joyful sound

Three Point Nine,
Some would call it vintage.
Three Point Nine,
I'd say a good percintage.

Feet or not, what you got is a Pez from long ago
Set it on your shelf and share it with your friends,
And let the magic grow.

(Interlude)

Many tales of garage sales with some Pez finds have been told
Pay a couple bucks for a shoebox full of joy
And get some Pez that's old,
You get some Pez that's old.

Three Point Nine,
Drink up that sweet nectar
Three Point Nine
Bliss for a collector.

Feet or not, what you got is a Pez from long ago …

But alas, the story of Neil Diamond Pez would not end there. Look for more events- and more hit songs- from the life of Neil Diamond Pez in an upcoming issue of Pezhead Monthly.

Other What Ifs...
Britney Spears as a Pez Dispenser
Hall and Oates as Pez Dispensers
John Lennon as a Pez Dispenser
Kenny Rogers as a Pez Dispenser
Elvis Presley as a Pez Dispenser

Cover and Table of Contents | Page 2 | Page 3