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Five Questions for the Wal-Mart Smiley Face Pez Dispenser top of page | cover page

Wal-Mart Smiley Face Pez turns that frown upside down.

Pezhead Monthly: Wal-Mart Smiley Face Pez, one cannot help but notice your unusually bright countenance. Are you masking deeper unhappiness, or is the image you project a genuine representation of your true feelings? Wal-Mart Smiley Face Pez: No, man, what you see is what you get. I'm all about the Pez love. I consider myself the eternal optimist. The Pez dispenser isn't half empty, brother, it's half full. You know what I'm saying? PM: I think I catch your drift. You present yourself as a carefree Pez, indicative of the "Have a Nice Day" smiley faces that so dominated U.S. culture in the 70s. Any thoughts on why it took until 2001 for you to be released to the general public?

WSFP: You know, I've often sat on my shelf staring out into the starry night asking that same question myself. I've come to the realization that it doesn't matter where I'm from, as long as I'm here today. I guess it was just blind luck that the Wal-Mart mascot happens to also be a smiling face; otherwise I might not be standing here right now. I know this much: Sam Walton is one righteous dude.

PM: You bring up an interesting point. As a representative of the Wal-Mart brand, what are your thoughts on the recent bankruptcy declaration by K-Mart?

WSFP: Dude, I cannot help but smile. Not because I'm happy that K-Mart is going under, but literally, I cannot help but smile. It's just the way I am and I can't change that. And you know what? I wouldn't want to. It would be a total bummer to be cursed with an eternal frown, like Charlie Brown Pez for example.

PM: I couldn't agree more. Wal-Mart Smiley Face Pez, do you ever have the nagging suspicion that some poor Venezuelan child created you in a sweatshop? WSFP: Now that you mention it, I did have that feeling at first. I heard the stories and those awful accusations hurled at fellow Wal-Mart bud Kathie Lee Gifford, who by the way is a total babe. Then I saw my face on a variety of other colored stems and that really freaked me out. But that feeling has since passed, and now I recognize that each dispenser is unique, even the ones that happen to share the same head design.

Wal-Mart Smiley Face Pez no longer agonizes over seeing its face on a variety of other dispensers.

PM: What an uplifting perspective you have. Wal-Mart Smiley Face Pez, is there anything in this world that depresses, bothers, or worries you?

WSFP: Due to my light frame, I'd have to say earthquakes, slamming doors, sudden gusts of wind, and uneven surfaces. But as long as my fellow Pez dispensers are there for me, it's all good, brother.

If Kenny Rogers was a Pez Dispenser top of page | cover page

Kenny Rogers is a legend in country music, and his side projects as actor and restaurant owner are also well known. But what if Kenny Rogers was a Pez dispenser? Herewith, history as it might have been written.

1938: Kenny Rogers Pez is born in Houston, Texas. Doctors are stunned at the well-detailed paint
job of the little white beard on his face.

1977: Kenny Pez wins his first Grammy award for "Lucille." He thanks the Academy and, in the spirit of the song, he declares, "It's a fine time to dispense me some Pez." The crowd goes wild.

1979: "The Gambler" earns Kenny Pez his second Grammy, most likely because of its riveting chorus:

You've got to know how to fill 'em,
Know how to tilt them,
Know when to free from card,
Know when they stay.
You never count your dispensers
When you're standing at the drug store,
There'll be time enough to count them
When they're on display.

1983: "Islands in the Stream" is recorded by Kenny Pez and Dolly Parton Pez. Tragedy strikes when, due to a balancing problem, Dolly Pez tips over while recording the song and, due to the "domino effect," Kenny Pez falls as well. Fortunately no paint was chipped and no plastic was scratched in the incident.

1991: Kenny Pez Roasters opens up as a fast food restaurant chain around the United States. Unfortunately, the idea of wood-fire roasted rotisserie Pez never quite caught on.

Pez Poetry top of page | cover page

Pez Haiku #11

In life, as in Pez
Dispensers, never forget
The value of a refill.

An Ode to My Photo Pez

Standing tall upon my shelf,
Looking oddly like myself,
And from the store in Burlingame:
A Pez, with me in photo frame.
It has been years in the unfolding,
And though I'd wished for plastic molding,
This Photo Pez will now suffice,
Its yellow stem, well worth the price.

A Pezhead's known for modesty,
Not overrun with vanity.
But still, I wouldn't dare replace
This Pezzifying of my face.
I am not Casper, Santa Claus,
Nor Donald Duck, and yet I pause:
There's nothing quite as special as
A Pez on me, and me on Pez.